Ten Things I Hate About You
by Luna Darkside
Summary: Shinichi compiles a list of ten reasons why he hates the Kaitou Kid. /ShinKai, complete/


_This is just a rather cliché letter thing. I find them fun to read, so I thought I'd attempt to write one. (Ha ha look how that failed.) _

_Warnings? Other than shounen-ai & typos as per my usual… I don't think there's anything in particular. Shinichi is quite OOC, considering I've never written from his POV before. Let's just pretend that his thoughts are more muddled and less calculated/concise than what he says canonically and the list is just him writing out his thoughts rather than planning what to say, k?_

_Er… enjoy, at any rate. – Luna_

**Ten Things I Hate About You**

_A list compiled by Kudou Shinichi for the Kaitou Kid_

**1. The monocle. **You do _not _know how much that damn piece of glass irritates me, and I'm pretty sure you don't want to.

…I'm going to tell you anyway.

Because seriously. Whenever I'm trying to get a good look at your eyes, all I can see is the moonlightglinting off your _monocle_ and I can't even look you directly in the eyes.

Er. Not that I'm trying to look you directly in the eyes or anything. Or that I've really, really, really wanted to look you directly in the eyes for a really, really, really long time.

That would be weird, obviously.

…Moving on.

**2. That stupid Kid smile.** Every time I see it, all I can think is "That bastard thinks he's better than the rest of us, doesn't he?" And every time I think that, you always look _directly _at me and nod a little, just a _little_, and I know you're agreeing with what I thought. Which is really creepy, just so you know, and you should stop.

(Also, for your information, I'm not really thinking that you think you're better than us. I'm more worrying about why you feel the need to whip out your Poker Face as if you can't be real around me. Don't you know that I can see through it?)

(…That sounds stupid. Forget the last couple of lines. Damn it, I shouldn't have written in pen.)

**3. When you ask me if I'm okay. **No, no I'm not okay, because the one time you asked me this question was when _you _werebleeding to death on the rooftop of the art gallery. I'm sure you remember what time in particular I'm talking about, right? That Snake guy shot you and you were lying in a puddle of your own blood. I was at your side, trying to get you to stop bleeding, and you turned and looked at me and had the _audacity_ to ask, "Tantei-kun, are you okay?" Like _I_ was the one drowning in a miniature lake of my own blood.

(Yes, I know you told me that you were worried because I had such a weird expression on my face. I haven't forgotten. I'm just choosing to ignore it, because that is not a valid reason in the slightest.)

And when you take the question to a broader level, of course I'm not okay. Even since I met you and your adorable – I mean… annoying personality I have been quite a bit less than "okay." You tend to piss me off like no other, you know that? I swear I'm going to die early because of you.

**4. Your nickname for me.** Seriously, what the hell? I mean, I can understand that you called me "tantei-kun" when I looked like a six-year-old because aw, cute little Mr. Detective and all that, but _continuing _to call me that after I've returned irritates me like nothing else. Seriously! Couldn't you afford to give me something less childish-sounding?

_And _people have noticed. If Ran makes _another _comment wondering "why Kaitou Kid calls you 'tantei-kun' even though that's what he used to call Conan-kun," I think I will check myself into an insane asylum. Or better yet, drag _you _into an insane asylum. Do you _want _to blow my cover? I mean, the Black Organization's gone, but Ran is a hot-tempered _karate champion_. I'd almost rather take on Gin and Bourbon _again _than face Ran when she's mad.

…But then again, I guess I wouldn't want you to call me anything else in particular. I mean, you already use "tantei-san" for Hakuba (when you're not calling him "that Hakuba bastard," at least), Hattori, andSera. I'm not sure I want to be put on the same level as them. And it's almost kind of nice to have a particular nickname…

Okay, fine, you can keep the nickname. But I still hate it, just so you know.

**5. Your flirting.** Do you know how painful it is to see you flirt with everything bearing even the slightest resemblance to a female? It's pitiful. I have to feel bad for the girls. Being complimented and given roses and getting those grins… It probably sucks.

And along those lines – we all know you're _such _a gentleman and _so _hot and all that, but would you mind not reminding me of that through Ran? I never thought she'd fall for your stupid charms, but she has and is intent on telling me about how _great _and _sexy _and _cool _you are _every waking second_.

Trust me, I know that firsthand. I don't need to hear it from _her_.

Oh wait. Disregard the last line. That would mean that I think you're great and sexy and cool and all of that.

And obviously I don't.

…

Well… I guess you're _okay_. Nobody's ever really tripped me up like you.

Don't take it as a compliment, though. Your ego's already big enough as is.

**6. Your Kid outfit. **It's not _normal _to have a completely white suit and manage to keep it as clean as you do. It's just against the natural laws of the universe or something. Do you pray to the god of bleach or something?

And also, nobody is allowed to look that good in a goddamn _cape_. Capes are not supposed to look good on people. They're meant to say "I'm a hero," and maybe even "I can fly," but they're _not_ supposed to flutter behind you like wings and give you that annoyingly sexy badass look. They're _not _supposed to make you look like some magical superhero from a shoujo manga.

I mean…

Your cape is stupid, that's all.

**7. You're a criminal. **That should be enough reason for me to hate you. You're a thief. You steal things. That's illegal.

Of course, you return them, in the end. And your heists give the officers on the Kid task force jobs. And you entertain the general public with your theatrics and all that.

Wait – did I just defend your reputation against _myself_?

…This is _exactly _what I meant about "not okay."

That mental asylum is starting to sound rather good.

**8. Your disguising ability. **Please, please, _please _stop popping up in my day-to-day life as some random person. It's creepy and horrifying and weird and kindofcute to think that you're pretty much _stalking me_.

Do you remember last Tuesday? (Of course you do. I'd worry if you didn't.) I was eating at Poirot, and _you disguised as my waitress. _I didn't even notice and we had a ten minute conversation, during which _I hit on you_. And you _flirted back._

The worst part is that I ended up giving you my number.

And I only now realized that you were that girl. It would explain the weird texts I've been getting, at least. Why do you keep texting me "ILY"? What does that even mean? Three English letters isn't telling me much, you know. If you've got something to say, just say it.

(By the way, you make a really, really pretty girl.)

**9. The way you make my heart beat faster. **It's not normal for someone's pulse to skyrocket around someone else, you know. And that's what you do to me. According to my mother (I called to ask about this because I was so disturbed) our family doesn't have a record of early onset heart diseases, so this is out of the ordinary. I think I might be allergic to phantom thieves.

My palms start sweating too, oddly enough. My face always starts feeling hotter as well. I'm pretty sure I need to see a doctor now, actually. It's happening right now as I'm writing this list. Probably because I'm thinking of you.

**10.**

…

…

I just really want to kiss you, dammit.

* * *

Humming, Kid pulled the Emerald Princess out of his inner pocket and held it up to the moonlight, safely hidden away two rooftops away from the Ekoda Museum of Fine Art.

A frown pinched his brow as he realized there was something attached to the jewel, blocking the light's path.

A thin, rectangular, somewhat opaque something.

Lowering his arm, Kid examined the rectangle, raising an eyebrow as he realized it was a neatly folded piece of paper taped to the stone. "What is this?" he muttered in slight confusion, glancing around to check that the rooftop was empty.

Debating whether it was some kind of trap, Kid peeled the piece of paper off the gem, freezing as he waited for some kind of explosion. When nothing happened, he breathed a sigh of relief and tucked the jewel back into his pocket.

Unfolding the paper, Kid's frown made a slight reappearance as he began to read.

_Ten Things I Hate About You: A list compiled by Kudou Shinichi for the Kaitou Kid…_

* * *

**Yeeeeeah, I don't even know. I'm considering writing a second part, in which Kaito responds to all the points Shinichi makes. Think I should?  
**

**Well, hope you enjoyed that OOC-ness and see you around! - Luna**


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